I made it through the first year of grieving. I’m used to being the strong one, I’m used to carrying others through, even when I am going through the same thing, and I could not do it this time. I even hurt worse when those around me didn’t know how to help me…and how could they? How could they even know how? I didn’t know how or know even what I needed. I couldn’t even explain what was happening, what I was battling. All I knew is that it was deeper than it should’ve been, and it was as if it was out of my control.
Then a year later to discover that I had been fasting, opened up a year ago. There is good reason why we stay away from negativity and things that could be detrimental or have adverse effects on our soul and spirit while breaking our flesh down. It impacts and hurts deeper. In fact, imagine fileting your skin back, even your muscle and exposing the surface of your bone, and placing what appeared harmless on our skin, but the same germs inside on our bones that has no defense against the bacteria, instead it weakens and establishes easier within. Well, that is what happened when I was fasting, even with being unaware, and the process to which my dad passed. It hit a depth that I was unaware of at first. It only grew, it was more difficult to keep my head up, it made absolutely no sense at times, but I was overtaken and struggled. It wasn’t until the fast and consecration period we just finished that I was made aware of the very thing that gave me understanding as to why it was more difficult.
I finally had some relief and direction, it allowed for me to heal and testify, I suppose to even teach. I am so grateful to be through that process because of the relief and the very thing that was stolen from me during that time. To be able to smile again, to laugh again, and I mean laugh, like all the time now, is so rewarding. It was such a big part of me and now I have it, but it’s not back, it’s new and refreshing. I have joy, I can feel the positive again. I am so grateful.
I am so grateful for my husband and children as they helped me, they cared for me extra, and they understood the fragility of my being where they were so kind, so aware, even if they really didn’t know because I could not communicate it. I am so grateful for our church being so mindful and helpful, the prayers that allowed for me to stay above the water too. For their commitment and stepping up, because I too had to step back.
As I emerge, I and those around me will recognize the changes, the newness, because you cannot go through something and not be changed. And I have changed. I am unapologetic, fiercely, when it comes to who I am becoming. I am supported, I am well loved, but not because I am strong, but because of who I am and who’s I am. Don’t take my word for it, you will see, or you won’t, it’s really up to you if you want to. Much love!